Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
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What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
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My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
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