That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
