i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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