im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize