I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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