Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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