What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
