we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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