i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
