I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.