last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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