My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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