she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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