saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
