the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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