If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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