I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
