Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
