Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
