Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
