my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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