I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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