So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
