the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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