swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
