You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
