Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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