I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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