hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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