I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
