fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
