new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
