who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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