I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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