So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
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Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
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I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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