i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
