that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
