my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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