They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
