this beer tastes like vomit already
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
