i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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