Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
