this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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