My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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