Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
