ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
