I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
