I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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