Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize