remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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