Swine flu. Run for my life!
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
