I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
