In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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