I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize