so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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