We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
